4 Ways to Enduring Love

God inserts inspiration everywhere. When weariness strikes talk to God to work it out. Living in continual weariness is a wish from Satan. Love endures.

1 Corinthians 13:7 Amplified Bible says, "Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]." 1 Corinthians 13:7 shares with us four qualities of enduring love.

1.  Never Give Up.

Some dismiss the dreams of children as being temporary and ever-changing. Leila Lopes, a Christian, the currently reigning Miss Universe, from the African nation Angola, which is the Portuguese name for the ruling ngola they encountered in the 1480s, tells New African Woman magazine, "Pursue your dreams, stay true to yourself and never look back. If you try hard enough you can achieve anything." Lopes says that ever since she was a little girl she dreamed of competing in the Miss Universe Pageant.

Some say that 90 percent of what we hear daily is negative. Tune out the naysayers by tapping into the never-ending power of God the Holy Ghost who lives on the inside of Christians.  

Dreams are not dust to be swept away by the duties of reality. Lopes never gave up on her childhood dream that was realized as an adult. Lopes enduring love for God and herself overflows to others. God is using Lopes to share with people globally the message of love and beauty in Jesus Christ, in the continent of Africa and in Africans from the motherland and the diaspora.

2.  Believe the Best of Every Person.

Life doesn't always go according to our mental script. I wanted my 19-year-old son, Rafael, to enjoy a salad while soaking in the bathtub. He received it with so much joy, that he knocked the salad off the ledge of the tub spilling Spring mix leaves, tomatoes, olives and the other contents on the floor and in the bath water. I held in upset. Rafael didn't spill the salad on purpose. It was a mistake. I gave him time to himself to process the event. He said, "I'm sorry." Then, "I do good." I gave him a rag without any critical comments. We cleaned up together. My calm efficiency promoted his calm joy. After clean up, he continued to enjoy soaking and eating.

The healthiest, happiest, hardiest relationships share far more positivity than negativity. Psychologist John Gottman, Ph.D., a professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Washington and executive director of Relationship Research Institute, says to practice the five to one ratio. For every one negative interaction (a complaint, a disagreement, an argument, etc.) engage in five positive interactions (a compliment, a smile, a kiss, a hug, cuddling, a shared laugh or happy memory, etc.)

3.  Be Ever Hopeful.

Kenneth Ulmer was a successful radio broadcast professional, went through two divorces, conceived two children by two different women and was suicidal.

Today's circumstances may be disastrous, but in many tomorrows they may be delightful. Keep on hoping for the best.

Ulmer not only married again he has been married for more than 30 years, adopted a son, adopted a teenage daughter from Africa who had AIDS and is now Bishop Kenneth Ulmer of Faith Central Bible Church in California.

4.  Endure.

Some relationships God designed for a lifetime. Just because God designed marriage as two people becoming one does not mean that two people will not struggle to keep sin from shredding the marriage. Cindy Beall is married to pastor, Chris Beall, who came home one day and confessed to numerous affairs with numerous people from numerous places. One woman was carrying his child.

Divorce is an option with repeated adulteries, but so is heart surgery to save the marriage. Endurance means slicing out selfishness.

We cannot give 50 percent of self to a relationship. When two people give people 50 percent, 1/2 X 1/2 equals 1/4. We end up with less of a relationship! But in dying to selfishness and giving 100 percent of self to each other, not only was Cindy's and Chris' marriage saved, but also both the mom of the child conceived out of wedlock and the child are active parts of Cindy's and Chris' life so much so that their conquering adultery and commitment to love is their ministry. No matter what we are facing, love (God's love in us) can overcome it, multiply and edify.

God is so good that He can make our relationships better after major conflicts than they were before them. Today will you choose love over everything else? Please leave an on-line comment, and choose love with me on Twitter.com at "Michelelove30" and Google's G+.

How to Catch and Keep Friends

As raindrops were pouring from a pale, grey sky earlier this week, I was pouring over the book of Romans chapter 12 for tips to catch and keep friends. My readings got me to thinking and praying broadly about the subject.

Welcoming and living in a wide variety of relationships are not optional for believers. Chantal Sicile-Kira categorizes relationships in her article, "The Transition To Adulthood: Planning Ahead," for the magazine, Autism File, that is applicable to all people. She describes four circles of relationships:

1) The Circle of Intimacy includes those with whom we share our secrets, dreams and values. These are our best friends and are usually family members, but can and should also include others. We know and share a lot about what is going on in each others lives, our thoughts and feelings.We feel safe enough in these relationships to support each other spiritually and emotionally. Jesus encouraged intimate relationships beyond biology. Mark 3:33-35 New Living Translation Bible says, "Jesus replied, “Who is my mother? Who are my brothers?” Then he looked at those around him and said, “Look, these are my mother and brothers. Anyone who does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother.”

2) The Circle of Friendship includes friends or relatives whom we see for occasional social activities, such as for a movie or to eat a meal, but who are not our closest friends. The Bible records that Epaphras and Paul shared some time in jail and time spreading the Gospel, but not with the intensity and intimacy of the relationship between Timothy and Paul.

3) The Circle of Participation includes people who we participate with in our life, such as on the job, business or ministry, our place of worship, schools, sports teams, social clubs and other organizations. This circle contains people who may eventually be in the Circle of Friendship or even the Circle of Intimacy. We can socialize with members of our church, other churches and other groups. Luke 9:49-50 New Living Translation Bible says, "John said to Jesus, “Master, we saw someone using your name to cast out demons, but we told him to stop because he isn’t in our group.” But Jesus said, “Don’t stop him! Anyone who is not against you is for you.”"

4) The Circle of Exchange includes people who are paid to be in our lives, such as medical professionals, teachers, counselors, governmental officials, sales associates, auto mechanics, etc. These people can also be cultivated to move into the Circle of Participation, Circle of Friendship and even the Circle of Intimacy. Everyone is a potential friend/disciple. Matthew 28:18-20 the Message Bible says, "Jesus, undeterred, went right ahead and gave his charge: "God authorized and commanded me to commission you: Go out and train everyone you meet, far and near, in this way of life, marking them by baptism in the threefold name: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Then instruct them in the practice of all I have commanded you. I'll be with you as you do this, day after day after day, right up to the end of the age.""
The circles of exchange and participation are casual relationships. The circle of friendship are comfortable relationships with people who are not involved in the intimate details of our lives. The circle of intimacy contains our confidants.

We can have more than one confidant. While David had Jonathan, Jesus had Peter, James and John.

We can also have multiple same-sex and opposite-sex relationships in the circles of exchange, participation, friendship and intimacy. Many don't have a problem with same-sex friends, but some stumble over the idea of opposite-sex friends especially for married couples. God made the human race female and male. Living in the Holy-Ghost fruit of self-control we can have casual, close and appropriate relationships with both the opposite sex and the same sex. The Apostle Paul had many friendships with women such as Priscilla, Lydia, and Phoebe to name a few. He also had friendships with men.

Having only same-sex friends cripples us. God made us male and female not just for marriage. We learn and are made better people gaining balance and appreciation of difference being raised by a mother and a father. Then we branch out from the family into non-familial relationships where we are designed to continue to grow in balance and appreciation of difference. The Prophetess and Judge Deborah was instrumental to developing the courage, confidence and combat skill of Barak.


Here's some tips plucked primarily from Romans chapter 12 on catching and keeping friends.

1) Accept people without arrogance. Pride refuses to mature and to forgive saying,  "I'm perfect." Humility embraces our unique God-given design along with personal growth and repentance. We all make multiple mistakes throughout life.

African American R&B singer Anita Baker sings in her song "I Apologize," "Lord you should have heard the way he shouted and the way that I screamed . . . I apologize . . .  Because I know I was wrong."

Admitting our wrongs is a sober judgment of ourselves and is loving ourselves and others. When we do someone wrong trying to gloss over it doesn't clean up the mess but often causes it to spread.

In admitting our wrongs we are not rejecting who we are. We are trying to improve. Self-improvement is relationship improvement. God accepts us and works to change us into the fullest likeness of His good self. God gives us His strength to consistently admit our wrongs without losing a positive view of ourselves. Even though believers do some awful things, God thinks we are awesome. God never loses hope in the victory of good over evil. The Apostle Paul wrote most of the New Testament even though before he became an apostle he was a serial killer going around seeking Christians to put in jail and to have sentenced to death.

2) Extensively, enthusiastically, excellently use the special gifts God has given us to build relationships. I had a friend who said his gift was encouragement. However, I ended the relationship because his encouragement was not authentic. We were communicating by email often twice daily, but he never was willing to talk by telephone or meet in person. What was he hiding that was inhibiting him from drawing closer to me? What type of spirit was behind his behavior? His emails seemed to embrace me in warmth, but they never led to the intimacy of spontaneous conversation and in-person engagement. John 6:63 Amplified Bible says, "It is the Spirit Who gives life [He is the Life-giver]; the flesh conveys no benefit whatever [there is no profit in it]. The words (truths) that I have been speaking to you are spirit and life."

3) Cultivate a diverse number of friends of the same sex, opposite sex, same gifts, different gifts, multiple races and relationships in all four circles. The Apostle Paul participated in all types of relationships. Timothy, Titus, Priscilla, Aquila and Barnabas are some members in Paul's Circle of Intimacy. The Apostles Peter and James and Lydia are some members in Paul's Circle of Friendship. Governor Sergius Paulus, Publius, the head of the island of Malta, and his father are some members in Paul's Circle of Participation. Acts 28:8 Amplified Bible says, "And it happened that the father of Publius was sick in bed with recurring attacks of fever and dysentery; and Paul went to see him, and after praying and laying his hands on him, he healed him." Governor Felix, Drusilla, the wife of Governor Felix, King Agrippa, Bernice, the wife of King Agrippa, and Governor Gallio of Achaia province are some members in Paul's Circle of Exchange.

Paul had relationships with men and women, Jews, Greeks and people of other races, believers and nonbelievers. Paul was not a snob, sexist or racist. Paul welcomed everyone while reserving his circle of intimacy for believers which is not discrimination but the wisdom of being closest with people of the same faith and purpose in life. If we try to have intimacy with enemies, then we risk destroying people. Jesus Christ says in Mark 3:25 Amplified Bible, "And if a house is divided (split into factions and rebelling) against itself, that house will not be able to last." Bishop Derek Grier of Grace Church in Dumfries, Virginia, said in the mid-morning 1/1/2013 sermon, "The devil comes in the form of division;" "He comes with strife to destroy unity." Dr. Grier said the devil wants to destroy unity because unity removes limitations; we can do some much more together than by ourselves. He also said that unity amplifies and multiplies.

We like Paul are called to nurture and expand the four circles of relationships, to have relationships with the same sex, the opposite sex, different races and to have a diversity of relationships with people of all types. The Apostle Paul teaches us in 1 Corinthians 11:1 New Living Translation Bible, "And you should imitate me, just as I imitate Christ."

4) Love people authentically. Love is friendly, intentional, consistent and Holy-Ghost empowered to commit through thick and thin times. Romans 12:10 Amplified Bible says, "Love one another with brotherly affection [as members of one family], giving precedence and showing honor to one another." Friendliness helps form, maintain and grow relationships. Neither Christ nor Paul displayed a "Do not disturb me" attitude toward people. Nor did they confuse Jewish culture with Biblical revelation. Christ and Paul tried to connect with the widest possible range of people. 1 Corinthians 9:19-23 the Message Bible says, "Even though I am free of the demands and expectations of everyone, I have voluntarily become a servant to any and all in order to reach a wide range of people: religious, nonreligious, meticulous moralists, loose-living immoralists; the defeated, the demoralized--whoever, I didn't take on their way of life. I kept my bearings in Christ--but I entered their world and tried to experience things from their point of view. I've become just about every sort of servant there is in my attempts to lead those I meet into a God-saved life. I did all this because of the Message. I didn't just want to talk about it; I wanted to be in on it!"

Sometimes we are not honoring people in our relationships because we are jealous and/or envious of them. People will admit to some sins, but jealousy and envy are not the usual ones. Yet they are common ones among siblings, friends, colleagues and other relationships. Cherish and celebrate our gifts and the gifts of others without comparison or covetousness. We are all essential. Romans 12:4-6 the Message Bible says, "In this way we are like the various parts of a human body. Each part gets its meaning from the body as a whole, not the other way around. The body we're talking about is Christ's body of chosen people. Each of us finds our meaning and function as a part of his body. But as a chopped-off finger or cut-off toe we wouldn't amount to much, would we? So since we find ourselves fashioned into all these excellently formed and marvelously functioning parts in Christ's body, let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't."

African Americans Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King are long-time best friends. Both are in communications, but Oprah is single, never married, mother of a deceased child while Gayle is divorced with two, healthy children. Oprah was raised in poverty. Gayle spent her elementary school years in Ankara, Turkey, with vacations in Paris, Rome and Greece and maid service.

Oprah, the first African-American female billionaire, says she and Gayle, who is a co-anchor of CBS This Morning and an editor-at-large for O, The Oprah Magazine, have overcome jealousy and envy in their more than 30-year friendship by being continually supportive of each other and spending copious amounts of time and attention on their friendship. Oprah bought a full-time nanny for Gayle to help her with her children, Kirby and Will, who are less than one year apart in age. Oprah sees money as a tool that can help others, but if that is all someone wants and expects from the relationships, then they are not really a friend. Money is a relationship-building tool. Luke 16:9 Amplified Bible says, "And I tell you, make friends for yourselves by means of unrighteous mammon (deceitful riches, money, possessions), so that when it fails, they [those you have favored] may receive and welcome you into the everlasting habitations (dwellings)." Gayle says she views Oprah's and the success of those around her as something that also makes her better. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 New Living Translation Bible says, "So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing." We grow together or tear each other apart together.

Some have a false sense of loyalty avoiding participation in other Christian ministries or other relationships. While we should give more time and attention to our marriage and other relationships in our circle of intimacy than our relationship with our dentist and other relationships in our circle of exchange, that doesn't excuse us to focus on our marriage to the exclusion of all other relationships. Showing authentic love comes with spending time and attention on a variety of relationships. Jesus was confidants with Peter, James and John. He also socialized with casual acquaintances like the Samaritan woman who had five-husbands, a current live-in lover and probably a blended household of no-telling how many children..

5) Serve God through serving people. Friends help friends in a wide variety of ways. A story talks about a man taken out of the earth realm and into a trip of hell and heaven. The angels showed him a room in hell with a group of hungry people trying to eat dinner. They never did eat because the spoons they were using were longer than their arms and no one helped them to overcome the obstacle. Then the angels showed him a room in heaven. The man was shocked to see a similar scene of hungry people trying to eat dinner with spoons longer than their arms. Yet they had happy faces and were enjoying their meal because they helped each other overcome the obstacle.

It's natural to serve self. It's spiritual to serve self and others. Routinely examine our behavior asking, "Who does this serve?"

6) Pursue hospitality. Welcome strangers and friends. Seek to make strangers friends and friends closer friends. Creativity can cultivate relationships. In the early 1400s the ruler of the East African port city Malinda sent a personal envoy with a giraffe as a present to the Ming dynasty emperor in China. The giraffe was a big hit. Maybe you can't make a splash by bringing a giraffe, but you can put together a backyard barbeque with a special theme for the families of your children's friends and others, or you can do something else with simple flair.

God meant for believers to do the spectacular in our individual way. Jesus Christ says in John 14:12 Amplified Bible, "I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, if anyone steadfastly believes in Me, he will himself be able to do the things that I do; and he will do even greater things than these, because I go to the Father."

People who are one-dimensional and/or refuse to try novel ways make it difficult for people to stay in relationship with them and to attract new relationships in the circles of friendship and intimacy.

Some spouses drain the life out of their marriage and other relationships by allowing themselves to become dull. Meanwhile plenty of singles and married people excel at exceeding people's expectations. The immoral ones are waiting to suck in spouses in dull marriages and dull singles looking for excitement. Proverbs 5:3 Amplified Bible says, "For the lips of a loose woman drip honey as a honeycomb, and her mouth is smoother than oil."

Pleasure is not sinful nor is using honey to catch and keep friends. Motives make a difference in determining the difference between good and evil. Christian, African American Jazz singer Carla Cook sings in "It's All About Love," "You can catch more flies with honey." God is pleasure. Yes, your eyes are not tricking you; you read that right. God is pleasure. David writes in Psalm 16:11 Amplified Bible, "You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy, at Your right hand there are pleasures forevermore."

Some are bubbly with great ideas about how to attract people, but they rarely follow through. “The vision must be followed by the venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps - we must step up the stairs,” says Vance Havner. God is more than a dreamer; He's a doer and likes doers. If you want to catch and keep relationships, chase people. Hebrews 11:6 Amplified Bible says, "But without faith it is impossible to please and be satisfactory to Him. For whoever would come near to God must [necessarily] believe that God exists and that He is the rewarder of those who earnestly and diligently seek Him [out]."

Sometimes we bomb in our efforts to catch and keep people. Don't worry. Cooperate with God to learn and to correct the error of our ways. Proverbs 24:16 Amplified Bible says, "For a righteous man falls seven times and rises again, but the wicked are overthrown by calamity."

7) Be sensitive to and live in the emotions and actions needed for the situation. Romans 12:15 New Living Translation Bible says, "Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep."

My son, Rafael, has lots of energy and is full of joy. He likes to bounce on his bed and in the chair he sits on amidst our balcony garden. Rafael recently got a new mattress because his old one had a crater in it due to his bouncing on his bed. I would like to preserve his enthusiasm and our finances, so I put a chair like the one in our garden in his bedroom and explained that he can bounce on that instead of his bed.

8) Turn enemies into friends. Abraham Lincoln said, "I do not like that man. I must get to know him better."

Watch out that self doesn't become our enemy. One of the top strategies of Satan is to manipulate people to get us to turn on our self. Joseph Cotten tells Ingrid Bergman in the movie Gaslight, "You're not going out of your mind. You're slowly and systematically being driven out of your mind."

Insanity is ineffective thinking. One way Satan tries to manipulate people is through anger. Feeling anger is not a sin for it can be a signal of being mistreated. Holding onto anger is where sin enters. Holding onto anger accompanies losing control of our thoughts and emotions. When God's goodness doesn't control us, then the evil of sin does. Sin is a slave master. Peace is power. As believers we have the mind of God the Son Jesus Christ and can use it to slay Satan by refusing to stay upset.

Peace is not passive. In the 1900s Mahatma Gandhi was mad that the British were denying independence to the people of India and monopolizing many Indian industries. Gandhi developed satyagraha which is civil disobedience through peaceful pushing for truth. Gandhi's methods were used by Martin Luther King Jr. to peacefully push civil rights for Africans Americans and others in the United States. Many who were enemies to the ideas of Gandhi and King initially were won over by their peaceful protest.  

Please share your experiences catching and keeping friends by leaving an on-line comment, tweeting with me via my Twitter.com name "Michelelove30" and Google's G+. Abraham Lincoln says, "The better part of one's life consists of his friendships." 

10 Keys to Being Irresistible

God is irresistible. Are you? Check yourself against the following 10 irresistible qualities plucked from the Bible book of Colossians where the Apostle Paul pours out praise for God the Son Jesus Christ and encourages us to lean our entire personality on Him.

1) Be a people magnet. It doesn't matter if we are an introvert or an extrovert. Irresistible people connect with other people cultivating the God in believers and introducing Him to others.

We usually first learn to be people magnets by being parented by people magnets. Mother Theresa said, "Try to put in the hearts of your children a love for home. Make them long to be with their families. So much sin could be avoided if our people really loved their homes."

Love is not natural. Christ in us gives us the strength to make the choices to love hour by hour and day by day. He teaches us to cultivate an inner life focused on finding detailed and varied ways to please God and people.

God designed for children to come out of the love of God and spouse. A marriage to God the Father, God the Son Jesus Christ and God the Holy Ghost and to each other produced the Palmer siblings, one of whom is named Keke. African American Keke Palmer, who starred in the movie Akeelah and the Bee, says that her parents introduced her to God and helped her to form a good relationship with God that extended to loving herself and other people.

Pampering ourselves, our marriage, family and friendships with time and attention need not be about spoiling people but rather helping everyone to be their best and to live their best possible life.

Spending little time and attention on our relationships guarantees disconnection and if not corrected often leads to dissolution.

2) Cultivate confidence in Christ in all areas of life. Emotional and other types of instability and insecurity are areas where our understanding and belief in God are weak. Sometimes we may feel, "I'm not loveable;" "I'm unworthy;" and other soul destroying ways. Our feelings are often a product of our self-talk or in response to the way someone is treating us.

God loves us and forgives us of all our sins and all the sins of others. No Biblical reason exists not to love ourselves and other people. When we feel unlovable, unworthy or some other unappreciative way, it's because of sin. Talk to God about it. Get it straightened out. Problems don't go away on their own. They have to be dealt with.

If we are not receiving the love of God, then where love hasn't reached, it cannot be given out. We are designed by God to give out love in overflowing abundance. Jesus Christ says in John 13:34-35 the Message Bible, "Let me give you a new command: Love one another. In the same way I loved you, you love one another. This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples—when they see the love you have for each other."

3) Refuse to be a slave to impulses. Conduct a careful, orderly, thoughtful way of life that examines impulses against the teachings in the Bible and chooses that which is in line with the Word.

Leaning on God is not passivity. God conquered the chaos and created the Garden of Eden. Believers are conquerors like God. We make small choices all throughout the day, day after day, that will eventually produce positive, purposeful plants of truth and other things that are good or weeds of wickedness. Few infidelities start one day out of the blue. Most infidelities are the creeping vines of complacency that overgrew a previously cultivated garden of love.

Some experience infidelity as anticipation and exhilaration from the secrecy, the forbidden sex, the idea that someone really gets us and is willing and eager to fulfill our fantasies. Meanwhile all the potency of sexuality and other sensuality was available in the marriage if we had aggressively and consistently cultivated the time and attention necessary to have a strong, sublime marriage. To know someone and to be known by someone deeply is a spiritual, mental and physical endeavor that does not happen by accident and without a great deal of prayer and practice. When we say, "I do," it doesn't mean, "I'm done working on making sure our relationship stays well watered and wonderful." 

George Foreman, a Christian minister, husband, father of 10 children, African American, entrepreneur and championship boxer, says, in his sermon The Power of a Smile, "All of us can get up out of that bed every day and make this world a better place by just smiling . . . . We all can be nice."
 
Marriage can be absorbing if we cultivate our garden of love. Absorbing love, unswerving loyalty need not be complex. Sharing and connecting can be simple. Meet after work and walk and talk a couple of miles in the shopping areas followed by more conversation over a meal. Some couples run or exercise together. Some couples study the Bible together. Talk and find some ways that are enjoyable for both spouses to fellowship frequently that is fun and fosters faithfulness.

Mastering the impulse to do nothing in a relationship makes us irresistible; trying shows caring.

4) Increasingly become immovable in Christ. Being immovable in Christ is not stubbornness but a committed, continual surrendering of sins like selfishness. Our consistent change into Christ-likeness is irresistible. If we are cooperating with God, the person we were when we first met God, will evolve into someone more like Christ.

While we will not be perfect in this earthly life, we can be thankful for where we have come from, were we are at and where we are going. Thanksgiving is irresistible. It's wonderful to be wanted and willing to improve. Contentment is not static.

5) Think, talk and act in compassionate truth. Living in the truth requires courage. A survey found that 80 percent of Americans believe that sex outside of marriage is wrong. Yet another study by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control found that about 85 percent of women and 91 percent of men have engaged in premarital sex. Peggy Vaughan estimates in her book The Monogamy Myth that nearly 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women have engaged in sex outside of their marriage.

Often when we contradict our value system, the body reacts with actual physical and/or emotional pain. Some get headaches, others nausea, some a bad stomach. Some succumb to various addictions. Some experience the slipping away of self-esteem. Some experience some other type of harm.

Our bodies are interconnected. When we do good and when we sin, it affects spirit, intellect, emotions and physical body.

Unified belief and behavior is irresistible. Not many admire marriages that last fewer than 12 months, but many do admire long-term unions like the nearly 30 year marriage of Hollywood celebrities and Christians Denzel and Pauletta Washington.

6) Stop allowing negative stuff to stick to you. All our sins have been forgiven. God wiped the slate clean, so we can wipe it clean too. Colossians 2:13-15 New Living Translation Bible says, "You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins. He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross. In this way, he disarmed the spiritual rulers and authorities. He shamed them publicly by his victory over them on the cross."

To meditate on what's wrong with you or bad circumstances is foolish nonsense that will fail to endear us to others. Constant complaining is irritating.

When bad things happen cooperate with God to get over them quickly and to learn how not to go there again!

Unflappable is irresistible. Living in self-pity sucks the life out of relationships.

7) Celebrate special events symbolizing love while recognizing they are not the substance of love. Weddings are wonderful, but the real wonder is a long-term, loving marriage. When scanning magazines available at mainstream news stands, magazines dedicated to weddings far outweigh those dedicated to marriage. Our culture often does not conform to Christ.

Celebrate the symbols while concentrating on the substance. Many of us want to be married, but studies show many are not willing to carefully select marriage partners, do the work to be an ideal partner and continuously nurture and grow our marriages. Approximately 75 percent of us marry once. Twenty percent marry twice, and five percent will marry three or more times.

Keep hope alive. Just because we have never been married or divorced once, twice or more times does not mean that God doesn't have a good marriage in mind for us. Nelson Mandela married his sweetheart and third wife, Graca Machel, on his 80th birthday.

A lot goes into a marriage. One thing that seems to vanish over time is compliments. Sincere, specific compliments shared throughout the day are irresistible. Tell your wife that you delight in the moles sprinkled on her neck and breast; the peaks and valleys of her curves; the marvelous way she fends off sibling rivalry; the superior way she keeps money from seeping out of the household budget; or whatever things are special and specific to your spouse. The more special you make her feel, the more aroused she gets; the more sex you want. Husbands love compliments too that appreciate their qualities of character and accomplishment.

When we aren't saying things that build up our spouse, we are tearing down our marriage. Few people want to have sex with a spouse who does not woo them with wonderful words and ways. A sexless marriage is often a loveless marriage.

8) Be open-minded to novel ways of living the truth. God desires us to be easily pliable to His touch changing whatever needs to be changed or even eliminated. This means that we may be trying a lot of things before we find the right fit. Continual self-improvement is irresistible.

Christian and Chinese American Cookie Lee was disappointed that her mom's 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. employment caused her to miss a lot of events in Lee's childhood. Lee wanted to be in the workforce and still have plentiful time together as a family. So for seven years before she had children she turned a hobby into a one-woman, part-time jewelry-making business while working a full-time job. After seven years she was making enough in her business to quit her daytime job. To have a family that she could spend plenty of time with while growing her business, she hired sales consultants to start their own businesses under her's.

Some good, Bible-study questions to ask are: "How does this relate to my reality?" "Are my beliefs really in agreement with the Bible?"

Lee did a lot of prayer, research and asking questions to make her dream of being there for her family a lot work out while prospering in her jewelry-making business.

Some are against women in jobs, businesses and/or ministries and try to put guilt trips on women so engaged. However, in the Bible Priscilla was a tent maker and had a church in her home with her husband, Aquila. Lydia was a business woman selling fabrics dyed in purple. Rachel was a shepherdess. Deborah was a prophetess and judge. Esther was a queen.

God placed some novel things in you that He designed to be developed.

The novel inspires people to pursue us. John, the husband of Cookie Lee, pursued her by joining her business creating more time together and more money. 

9) Excel in helping and pleasing people within Biblical boundaries. Those who do the minimum hurt people.

An African chief invited the men of his tribe to a feast. The chief provided all the food and asked that the men of the tribe bring a jug of wine. One man of the tribe named Ali wanted to go, but he didn't have wine. His wife suggested that he buy the wine noting that it wasn't expensive. Ali responded, "How foolish to spend money when there is a way to go free! It won't hurt to add one jug of water to the pot of wine." When the day of the feast arrived Ali and the other men of the tribe poured his jug into a large pot. After all the guests arrived the chief commanded the servants to fill everyone's glass. Suddenly a cry arose from the crowd lamenting the taste of water instead of wine. Not only Ali but others had decided to do the minimum by bringing water instead of wine.

Becoming absorbed in a clean, creatively decorated house and abandoning cuddling and creative entertainment with our spouse is a way some wives do the minimum. Some husbands do the minimum by thinking, talking and acting out the attitude, "My job is number one in my life."

10) Live more for we than me. We want others to make sacrifices that show they want us.

In the Bollywood film Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara Imran is a character who found out a year ago the father who raised him is not his biological father. As a part of a bachelor, road trip with two friends through Spain, Imran decides to visit his biological father. While smoking a cigarette his biological father, Salman, explains that he abandoned Imran and his mother before Imran's birth because at age 25 he did not want the responsibility of fatherhood; his soul was and still is only fed by his art and world traveling. Salman thinks that me is better than we, but even he has to cover up his pain through a nicotine addiction.


Irresistible people find ways to weave together responsibilities and dreams.

Greek Australian Christine Caine was active in Christian singles ministry. Many told her that marriage and kids would slow her down. However, she and her husband, Nick and daughters, Sophia and Catherine, travel the globe sharing Jesus Christ with others and have ministries, like Equip and Empower, that help others plant churches and fight human trafficking among other things.

John Tillotson, a Christian leader of the 1600s, said, “Ignorance and inconsideration are the two great causes of the ruin of mankind.” Avoid ignorance and inconsideration by learning how to solve problems by incorporating people with passion, and then doing it.

Making we more important than me nurtures marital love and sex. Enjoy marital sex. We is designed to be wonderfully irresistible. It's spiritual and logical that a popular sexual position is called the "missionary." If you are married, try a twist on the missionary where the husband kneels and straddles his wife's leg while she’s lying on her left side. From here, she should bend her right leg around the right side of his waist—allowing full access to her vagina, her clitoris and her other body parts.

In what ways are you irresistible? Please leave an irresistible on-line comment at the bottom of this article.

7 Ways to Stay the Course of Joy Through Conflict

Sooner or later every relationship encounters disagreements. Sometimes we cannot even remember what we were discussing, but we do remember the general way we feel about the person we were having conflict with. Philippians 2 shows us that joy is an internal celebration of God and His ways that overflows externally and gives us seven ways to stay the course of joy through conflict.

1) Continuously chase a lifestyle of relationships filled with harmony and being of the same mind, intention and purpose. Some differences accompany disagreements others expose lifestyles that are diametrical. Prune off the diametrical. Seek to find the source of disagreements and humbly resolve them. Sometimes self-denial is needed. Other times assertiveness is needed.

True friends support and complement our life purposes. Choose relationships carefully. Much conflict can be eliminated by careful initial selection.

African American Bethann Hardison helped launch Click Models after the Civil Rights Movement of the 1960s. A time came when it was time for her to leave the nest and build her own. Nurtured by legal and model friends she started Bethann Management. These friends really helped. No attitudes and actions of, "I wish you well, but I'm not going to give you on-going resources to work with." A mother and daughter in the modeling business gave Hardison money for real-life bills like rent, utilities and whatever was necessary. Another legal friend negotiated the office space for Bethann Management and didn't charge her legal fees.

Hardison was called to be a leader in the fashion industry. Her friends may have disagreed from time to time regarding how she lead, but they encouraged her leadership and supported it in profuse, physical ways. Hardison was also wise enough not to keep friends who were opposed to her being a leader.

In a similar way Paul and the Philippian believers were in Christian ministry. They could not have shared as much joy if either one of them did not support each others ministry.

 2) Helping people help themselves also helps ourselves. Friendship flourishes with reciprocity, so does almost everything else. In 1867 Marie Sklodowska was born in Warsaw, Poland. Early in life she showed enthusiasm about education and an extraordinary ability to learn. However, her father could not afford to educate her beyond early childhood. Instead of responding to the obstacle with fear, unbelief and self-limiting practices, Marie took a job as a teacher then later as a governess to fund her advanced educational dreams.

Marie paid for her sister's, Bronislawa's, education with her earnings from her governess job. When Bronislawa completed her studies, Bronislawa paid for Marie to attend university.

Both Bronislawa and Marie became scientists. By 1891 Marie studied at the world-famous Sorbonne in France. She also became the school's first female teacher. Marie married a physics professor in 1895. They devoted their lives to science. In 1903 Marie shared the Nobel Prize in physics with her husband, Pierre Curie, and Henri Becquerel. In 1911 Marie Sklodowska-Curie won a Nobel Prize for chemistry by herself.

Marie is the first person to earn two Nobel Prizes each in sciences. She developed a theory of radioactivity, techniques for isolating radioactive isotopes and discovered the elements polonium and radium.

Like Marie and Bronislawa helped each other to be educated, the Philippian believers and Paul helped each other share God and His Word, the Bible, with others.

3) Celebrate equality with humility. Black people are equal with white people and any other people. Women are equal with men. Galatians 3:28 New Living Translation Bible says, "There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male and female. For you are all one in Christ Jesus."

Revealing equality through humility works better than hate. Jesus Christ never stopped being God and equal with God the Father and God the Holy Ghost even when He experienced violence instead of the respect due royalty. Black American and Christian Marian Anderson kept her wisdom, elegance and humility even when she was rejected from opportunities because of her race. Anderson wrote in My Lord, What a Morning in response to a music school rejecting her admission due to her blackness, " . . . I could not conceive of a person surrounded as she was with the joy that is music without having some sense of its beauty and understanding rub off on her. I did not argue with her or ask to see her superior. It was as if a cold, horrifying hand had been laid on me. I turned and walked out."

Walking out on evil is walking into good. God ensures that good is honored in due season. Jesus Christ was crucified at the instigation of the local religious leaders, but three days later He rose from the dead and shortly after the Christian church was founded as God's means to express goodness on earth.  With donations from a local church, Anderson was able to take singing lessons with coach Giuseppe Boghetti. In 1924 she launched her career by giving her first recital at New York's Town Hall. Later she went on to have a flourishing singing career that broke through racial barriers including a 1939 Easter morning concert in Washington, D.C., to 75,000 present and millions by radio.

4) Be willing and ready to help. "The roots of happiness grow best in the soil of service," says educator and African American Ruth Love.

A husband was addicted to pornography. He confessed his addiction to his wife. He didn't try to blame her for his addiction or to blame his upbringing or someone or something else. He sought ways to overcome it. His wife was hurt by his addiction, but she was willing and ready to help her husband. She listened and talked with him to understand why he likes pornography and why its so hard to leave it. She didn't condemn him by thinking, saying or doing things that communicate, "You're so weak to be wrapped up in this trash." This couple participated in helpful activities like Christian counseling, and over time his pornography addiction was conquered.

5) Caress copiously through cheerfulness. When Paul wrote the book of Philippians he didn't know if his current jail sentence would end in death or release. Paul didn't shower people with self-pity, but rather he talked about and lived out God's wonderful ways of pursuing the best even amidst the bad. Paul probably didn't always feel cheerful, but he expressed an attitude and actions of cheerfulness because this is how God is and what pleases God. In Philippians 2:12 Amplified Bible Paul counsels us to behave, " . . . timidly shrinking from whatever might offend God and discredit the name of God."

That's an incredibly large request for imperfect people to fulfill. The good news is we have a power source living on the inside to help us fulfill it if we tap into Him. Philippians 2:13 Amplified Bible says, "[Not in your own strength] for it is God Who is all the while effectually at work in you [energizing and creating in you the power and desire], both to will and to work for His good pleasure and satisfaction and delight."

6) Cherish people in your real life and release comparisons and excessive thoughts about fantasy people. Not many people look like and have achieved career success like Hollywood and Bollywood celebrities Halle Berry, Angelina Jolie, Denzel Washington, Hrithik Roshan and others. If we spend too much time reading about, looking at and thinking about the stars, then what's on earth may become disappointing and breed envy and other negative qualities.

Our spouses, family and friends have a lot of wonderful qualities. Think a lot about these. Love grows when we nurture it. Conversely when we don't, it dies.

It may take a lot of work to think about the good in our spouse, family or friends, but God put it there! Psalm 139:13-14 New Living Translation Bible says, "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it."

Five years ago you may have sent sexy and funny texts, emails and telephone calls to your spouse, but now it's mostly perfunctory. You used to enjoy the feel of mouth and tongue all over your spouse's body and yours, finding each others multiple moan zones, playing games like, "Does this feel good? How about this?," but now when was the last time you had sex? Try again. Ignite the flame of love that you let die, and keep it burning hot. Marriage is suppose to be filled with merriment.

7) Appreciate people especially spouses, family and friends. Sexual, emotional and other types of infidelity start by the negative way we are thinking about our spouse. Fault-finding is a negative mindset. Fault-finding is a focus on what is wrong with someone. We are betraying a sacred personal trust when we stew on the bad in our spouse instead of meditating on the good. If we have a low opinion of someone, then it is hard to feel good about them and to treat them well.

The Apostle Paul writes about his friend and co-worker, Epaphroditus, in Philippians 2:30 New Living Translation Bible, "For he risked his life for the work of Christ, and he was at the point of death while doing for me what you couldn’t do from far away." Paul thanked Epaphroditus for what he did without any undertone of criticism. A fault-finding person might have wrote about Epaphroditus, "Epaphroditus wasn't too smart in the way he tried to help us. He allowed himself to work so much for other people that he got ill. It's a miracle that we got any help."

A fault-finding person wouldn't make Epaphroditus or others feel good. Instead of inspiring others to choose to be together, to experience joy, the words of a fault-finder are repelling.

Fault-finding spouses, family members and/or friends are setting themselves up to seek appreciation in someone else. We all desire to be appreciated. Some fault-finders are surprised to find themselves sharing intimate thoughts, feelings and desires with the opposite sex that lead into sexual, emotional or other types of infidelity; they failed to associate the source of infidelity in their thinking unappreciative thoughts about their spouse.

The joy of God is in believers. If we don't seem to be experiencing it, then we aren't cultivating it.

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Please share the juiciest details of the joy in your life. Sharing helps people grow.

7 Ingredients for Intimate Relationships

Intimacy is hindered absent certain ingredients. Let's look at seven ingredients from Ephesians 5 for fun, fulfilling marriages, families and friendships.

Ingredient #1: Acceptance. Regardless of our imperfections the best marriages, families and friendships contain people who accept each other while encouraging each other to grow. Ephesians 5:1 Amplified Bible says, "THEREFORE BE imitators of God [copy Him and follow His example], as well-beloved children [imitate their father]." 

Sometimes we fail to accept people the way they are. A mother told a daughter with stubby fingers and little sense of rhythm, "I have such lovely, long fingers and play the piano like a virtuoso. Why don't you practice the piano more?"

Ingredient #2: Security. While some friendships may need to be pruned off our life because they are sucking nutrients out of us and/or our family, secure people are committed to relationships even through problems.

God doesn't give up on us because we have problems. He gives us enthusiastic, extravagant, enlightened love. Since He is our model, as believers the more we do likewise the better our relationships will be with God, self and others.

Ingredient #3: Chosen. We don't have to be married, parents or friends. We choose these relationships. These are not one-time choices. In good relationships we are choosing our spouse, children and friends over and over again. We hunger to be desired continuously. If we aren't enjoying our spouse, family or friends, then it sucks out some of their enjoyment. 

Everyone is an individual. Learn each others likes and dislikes. We want to be liked for who we really are. Ephesians 5:10 New Living Translation Bible says, "Carefully determine what pleases the Lord." 

God is for people. He wants us to experience pleasure in His presence and the presence of His people.

One of the key ways we receive pleasure is through edifying conversation. Learn to say things that bring out the best in people. For married people a saying goes, "99 percent of sex happens between the ears." Woo him or her with the most effective, encompassing words rooted in the Word. John 1:1-3 Amplified Bible says, "IN THE beginning [before all time] was the Word (Christ), and the Word was with God, and the Word was God Himself. He was present originally with God. All things were made and come into existence through Him; and without Him was not even one thing made that has come into being. In Him was Life, and the Life was the Light of men."



God is the Creator of sexuality and sex. Learn more and more about God, and you will learn more and more about how to be a sexy single or sexy married person. God knows all the sexual positions, and many that you don't know about!

Ingredient #4: Support. We are not the same people. We have some interests in common and some that are different, but good people support each others individuality. They also protect their life and relationships by on purpose preparing lots of time to listen and to understand those we share a relationship with and to maintain and foster unity.

Ingredient #5: Thankfulness. Thankfulness is expressed in attitudes and actions that communicate, "I'm not perfect. You are not perfect, but I am thankful we are together. I am thankful for the memories, the present and the future." 

Big-picture thinking doesn't dismiss the petty arguments and small inconveniences, but also does not become absorbed in them. Big-picture thinking focuses on the overall benefits in good relationships.

We can have seasons were Satan seeks to wear us out with discouraging circumstances and/or relationships. God is using these same circumstances and/or relationships to allow His fruit of the Spirit on the inside to be plucked for food on the outside.

"When it comes to food for thought, some of us are on a hunger strike," says activist Dick Gregory. We are thinking, talking and acting out negative attitudes and actions like, "I'm tired. You're getting on my nerves. I'm going to put you out of the house," for situations and circumstances God isn't finished with.

We may be reading our Bibles, put not practically applying the Word in some areas. Our physical body is part of the temple of God. It too has to be nourished. Some of us do inadequate or no physical exercise depriving us of one source of stamina that supports our spiritual and mental health.

Much of life is interconnected. We have to pay attention and nurture our relationship with God, self and others on many levels.

Ingredient #6: Wisdom. Good decisions come from a good heart. Daniel Hale Williams was the first African-American cardiologist, and the first to perform successful open-heart surgery in the United States. We will need to leave our hearts open for God to perform surgery on them slicing out our numerous sins. 

Sin isn't sexy. Sin acts as a spoiler in our relationships.

Not many of us would want others to be able to see all of our thoughts! However, God can, and He sees how these thoughts help and hurt people. We are responsible to be wise enough to continually seek spiritual, emotional, intellectual and physical growth through cooperating with God the Holy Ghost to develop more of the God inside. The more God controls the inside, the more our outward behavior will bring out the best in people.

Perhaps you had a child in your 40s or 50s that wasn't exactly planned and have not cooperated with God to have the disappointment, resentment, anger, jealousy and other hostility in your heart removed, so now it seeps out on your child and others. Many have lived in relationships filled with the agony of indifference or hatred.

Ingredient #7: Clear Direction. By reserving our most close relationships for those who have the same faith and purpose in life, we are building ourselves up instead of working against each other. Ideas have consequences. Christians believe in hope and the multifaceted goodness of our God that is primarily expressed through His people. Not everyone believes the same. Chandragupta Maurya, the first emperor of India, with a kingdom stretching from Punjab to Karnataka, more than 300 years after Alexander the Great had died, chose his own death as a devout Jain who starved himself to death on a hilltop at Sravanabelgola.


Being equally yoked with spouses, family and friends is not simply sharing the same Christian faith. "Yoked" is a farming reference. When a farmer would plow a field, he would use a yoke to join two animals. The farmer paired two animals of equal strength to work together to produce a straight line in the field. 


Before marriage a wise couple talks about the nature of our relationship with God, self, family and friends, the desired frequency of sex, the acceptable behaviors with opposite-sex friends, the purpose and use of money, the number of children, the lifestyle and as many things as possible. The more agreement and equal strength before marriage the less potential relationship conflict after marriage. While we all change, we also have a certain character and personality that may remain remarkably consistent throughout adulthood. A couple where the wife desires sex seven days a week, but the husband desires sex once a month probably should have never said, "I do." 

Sex is a central part of the oneness in marriage. Genesis 2:24-25 New Living Translation Bible says, "This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame." 

Sexual incompatibility is a serious issue. A wife who keeps asking her husband for sex and habitually receives, "I'm not in the mood," or some other rejection will likely begin to receive messages of shame and low self-worth while the husband may feel personally attacked and unappreciated.  

Sexual abuse is also something we should share with our partner by the time we are engaged. Bollywood actress Sofia Hayat was sexually abused by her uncle when she was 10 years old. Minister Noel Jones was molested by a man in a Christian church bathroom when he was in elementary school. Rape, date rape, molestation, incest and various types of sexual abuse are experienced by people of all ages, races, genders and religions and often have a profound impact on our behavior.

Reading the seven ingredients you may have noticed some things you are doing that don't bring out the best in people. Now is a good time to talk to God and to begin the process of incorporating the seven above ingredients of intimacy from Ephesians 5 into your life. Please leave a comment sharing how God has helped you to learn to be intimate and have intimacy. Please also join me Thursdays for relationship group by contacting me at michefrancesjackson@gmail.com.