Are Criticism and Contempt Causing A Relationship to Crumble?

"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes," says Canadian/American comedian Jim Carey. Comedy seeks to find the funny in real-life problems.

John Gottman, Ph.D., a professor and researcher, and Julie Schwartz Gottman, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist, say in their audio book 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage that regularly rolling eyes at a spouse speaking can be an example of contempt, and contempt is one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse that destroy marriages. They use the term "the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" to describe criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.

The Gottmans also say that their research and professional experience reveals that happily married couples behave like good friends. God desires for both married people and single people to have good friendships. God the Son Jesus Christ says about all believers in John 13:34-35 New Living Translation Bible, "So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples."

Yet sometimes we are in relationships with people for whom we express and/or are receiving a steady stream of criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Here's a small sample of these behaviors in relationships: habitually interrupting people when they are speaking with us, often shooting down their ideas, rarely saying anything positive to them, refusing to acknowledge sin brought to our attention, rarely showing affection, frequently trying to punish people with silence, almost always saying or in some way communicating "no" to sex with your spouse, using conversation laced with sarcasm, subscribing to Playboy and other such media and telling a lot of jokes that offend our spouses, friends or associates.

All of these behaviors are out of line with Ephesians 4:31-32 Amplified Bible which says, "Let all bitterness and indignation and wrath (passion, rage, bad temper) and resentment (anger, animosity) and quarreling (brawling, clamor, contention) and slander (evil-speaking, abusive or blasphemous language) be banished from you, with all malice (spite, ill will, or baseness of any kind). And become useful and helpful and kind to one another, tenderhearted (compassionate, understanding, loving-hearted), forgiving one another [readily and freely], as God in Christ forgave you." Mariam Wright Edelman, a Christian, African-American, wife and children's activist, says, "Service is what life is all about."

God the Holy Ghost is a teacher who brings things in us to our attention that need transformation. God often uses others to show us where we are operating in criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling and to help us cooperate with God to get these out of our lives. A Chinese proverb says, "If you are planning for a year, sow rice; if you are planning for a decade, plant trees; if you are planning for a lifetime, educate people." Join Rafael's and Michele's relationship group Thursdays from 7:30-9:00 p.m. at 14336 Winewood Lane #11, Woodbridge, Virginia. (Number 11 is the one with multiple-colored flowers and a trellis covered in a plethora of purple morning glories that humming birds sometimes dip their beaks into.) God may have just what you and someone else needs for change. If you cannot join us, we still would love to hear from you via leaving an on-line comment, chatting with Michele Jackson ("Michelelove30") on Twitter and Google G+.