Sexual Dissatisfaction

Broken couples come in many varieties. A few varieties are divorce, a one-night stand, stayover, Living Apart Together (LAT), Living Together Apart (LTA,) friends with benefits, homosexual, lesbian, bisexual, sexless marriage etc. Stayover relationships are a monogamous relationship in which the couple sleeps together three or more nights weekly but does not live together. Living Apart Together (LAT) relationships are couples who live in separate residences, spend a few more nights together than stayover couples. Living Together Apart (LTA) relationships are couples who have children together, live together, but the love and sex is gone. Friends with benefits may or may not be in a monogamous sexual relationship. Some are in sexual relationships with people of the same sex. Some married couples have had zero to ten lovemaking sessions annually. Sexual sin through divorce, a one-night stand, stayover, LAT, friends with benefits, LTA, homosexual, lesbian, bisexual, sexless marriage or some other way is still sin. Romans 6:23 Amplified Bible says, "For the wages which sin pays is death, but the [bountiful] free gift of God is eternal life through (in union with) Jesus Christ our Lord."

God is for sex. He designed it. God set apart sublime partner-sex for marriage. Genesis 2:24-25 English Standard Version Bible says, "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed." If one has partner-sex outside of marriage, then shame comes with it. If one refuses to have sex inside of marriage, then shame comes with it.
　
Whether we are married or not, sex bonds us to another person. Contrary to what we see in some entertainment and other aspects of American culture, no one changes sexual partners with the ease of changing our clothes. When a sexual relationship ends, it is the ripping apart of one person from another person spiritually, mentally and physically. Some are ripped apart internally and don't even know it. For example, many suffer from low self-esteem and insecurity rooted in sexual sin, but are unaware that sexual sin is the root of their problem. In the movie, The Ideal Husband, a single beautician, who is proud that she is dating a married man because the relationship has no strings and no commitment unlike her mother who was married four times and begged the husbands to stay, one day cuts the hair of a woman married 22 years. Over the course of the conversation she realizes she is chasing a man that is not that into her; she has little peace and is not loving herself. She ends up agreeing with the married woman that in romantic relationships some deal breakers are if someone knocks you upside your head or is married.

One way to define love is good choices, commitment and constructive action. Please leave an on-line comment giving your definition of love.

On another day a different single beautician in The Ideal Husband has her boyfriend come to her place of work and announce that he has received a job offer in Tampa, Florida, with twice the pay and better benefits. He asks her to move to Tampa and shack with him. To which she responds, "If we love each other, then there should be no other option than marriage." He says he wants to try living together before marriage. She says, "Roger, you been knowing me for five years now." He says no to marriage. She says, "Roger, I love you, but I love me first. I don't just want to be your temporary fix." They go their separate ways. She is secure in her relationship with Jesus Christ, but many are not.

Please leave an on-line comment about the plethora of discussion in multiple media about sexual insecurities.

When we have been sexually active, and then seek to live Biblical, we will probably experience a detox that is every bit as intense as what a detoxing drug addict experiences.
　
Sex is never just a physical act no matter how brief or long-term the sexual relationship. The Bible reveals that casual sex doesn't exist. Even in a one-night stand, sex is oneness or cohabiting. By studying different translations of the Bible, we may receive a fuller flavor of God's message to us. Genesis 38:26 Amplified Bible describes the one-night stand sex between Judah and Tamar, " . . . And he did not cohabit with her again."
　
Sexuality is a central part of the real us. The real us is God's home/sanctuary. God designed sexuality to be a sanctuary, a place of security, shelter and celebration to worship God. Biblical sexuality counsels singles to celebrate their sexuality without engaging in sexual relationships with others. Biblical sexuality counsels married couples to celebrate lovemaking as the sharing of each other with intense joy and participation in God's presence and each others presence.
　
The celebration of sexuality is missing in much of Christianity largely because many spend a lot of energy trying to cover up sex. God talks about sex and sexuality in the Bible openly, clearly, directly, truthfully and lovingly. Some Christians are not experiencing God's best in this area due to sexual sin. When God makes us whole, as He is healing us, God exposes us to the Light. Darkness, trying to cover up sex, is from the devil. Biblical sexual purity does not include a lifestyle of promoting ignorance and/or shame. God counsels us to get much clear knowledge, understanding and wisdom, and then give it to others through love.

Judah was not married to Tamar, yet the Bible says in Genesis 38:16-18 Amplified Bible, "He turned to her by the road and said, Come, let me have intercourse with you; for he did not know that she was his daughter-in-law. And she said, What will you give me that you may have intercourse with me? He answered, I will send you a kid from the flock. And she said, Will you give me a pledge (deposit) until you send it? And he said, What pledge shall I give you? She said, Your signet [seal], your [signet] cord, and your staff that is in your hand. And he gave them to her and came in to her, and she became pregnant by him." God uses language like "intercourse" and "came in to her" to describe sexual intercourse. Yet some in Christianity confuse this type of language with lust or sexual impurity.

Instead of celebrating sexuality in a beautiful, Biblical, balanced way, some promote marital sex as mechanical, sex-for-money schemes and other bargaining, to be avoided as much as possible, to be tolerated rather than celebrated, never forgive sex outside of marriage that has been repented off, clinging to a self-conscious-body image and other negative ways that make marriage appear unattractive.

Studies indicate that 15 to 20 percent of American marriages are sexless, i.e. the couple has sex zero to 10 times annually. Please leave an on-line comment sharing any studies of sexless marriages finding the problem rooted in pornography, adultery or pre-martial sex. While Christopher Yuan is not married, he is an ex-gay who says seeing pornography as a child awakened homosexuality.

Sex is more than skin-on-skin. Sex is a relationship. Many marital problems are rooted in a lack of wisdom in choosing a spouse. Karl A. Pillemer, Ph.D. writes in the January 31, 2013, Huffington Post newspaper article, " 'Opposites Attract' Or 'Birds Of A Feather' -- What's Best For A Long Marriage?", "I've asked over 500 people married 40, 50 and more years what is most important for a long and happy marriage. To my surprise, their advice was nearly unanimous: Opposites may attract, but they don't usually make for great and lasting marriages. Based on their long experiences both in and out of romantic relationships, the fundamental lesson is this: You are much more likely to have a satisfying marriage for a lifetime when you and your mate are fundamentally similar. And if you're very different, the elders warn although that marriage can work, is likely to be much more difficult. I can hear some of you saying: But it would be boring if two mates were exactly alike in interests and personality! Although it may sound paradoxical, long-married elders agree that some differences can spice up a relationship. But not all aspects are equally important. There are many ways partners can be similar, but the elders say that one dimension is absolutely necessary: Similarity in core values." Pillemer also says research supports spouses sharing the same core values as key to long-term marriage and, "The research findings are quite clear: marriages that are homogamous in terms of economic background, religion and closeness in age are the most stable and tend to be happier."
　
God doesn't want His believers to get stuck on their sins or choosing the "wrong" spouse. God doesn't have a sour or shame-based view of sex and sexuality. God celebrates all the goodness of life. God is Life. God got over Judah's and Tamar's sexual sin and honored them by including them and one of their children, Perez, in the bloodline of Jospeh, step-dad to Jesus Christ, the Son of Man and the Son of God (Matthew 1:3)! If we've engaged in sexual sin, God can work with us to get over it and live celebrating God and the good, enjoyable life He has given us.

"When you married, God called you into a mysterious and unique relationship--a relationship in which you complete each other, in which two people become one through the physical and emotional intimacy of sex. As a husband and wife, you are called to serve each other, and that includes the privilege and responsibility of satisfying each other's sex needs. That is a need only you can fully meet for the other, and that need is part of God's will for you and your marriage. Satisfying each other's sex needs may feel more like a duty for you right now, but it is a duty God is calling you to respect. Monica, for your husband, the physical act of intercourse is an important and fundamental part of sex. You may not like that, but that's the way it is. That is the way God created your husband. So it is part of your responsibility to fulfill that. If you don't, something or someone else will. And the tears may flow, but you will bear part of that responsibility. If the physical is not part of it, then you don't have a sexual relationship. And in God's view, you really don't have a marriage. That's not what God intended. Hank, for your wife, the physical part is not going to work if the emotional and relational parts of your marriage aren't working. You may not like that, but that's the way it is. That is the way God created your wife. So it is part of your responsibility to fulfill that. If you don't, something or someone else will. And the tears may flow, but you will bear part of that responsibility. If the emotional and relational are not part of it, then you don't have a sexual relationship. And in God's view, you really don't have a marriage. That's not what God intended. Sex is part of a larger picture. A healthy sexual relationship grows out of your emotional and spiritual relationship with your wife," says Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg in their book, The 5 Sex Needs of Men & Women Discover the Secrets to Great Sex in a Godly Marriage.

Marital sex is good for your health. Having sex three times weekly reduces the chance for having a heart attack or stroke. Sex even reduces your chance of catching a cold or the flu and improves the quality of your hair, skin and nails. Sex boosts your immune system. Sexless marriage is sickening.

Please share on-line comments about the ways you or someone you know got over sexual sin and celebrated God, sexuality, sex and life.

7 Ways to Stay the Course of Joy Through Conflict

Sooner or later every relationship encounters disagreements. Sometimes we cannot even remember what we were discussing, but we do remember the general way we feel about the person we were having conflict with. Philippians 2 shows us that joy is an internal celebration of God and His ways that overflows externally and gives us seven ways to stay the course of joy through conflict.

1) Continuously chase a lifestyle of relationships filled with harmony and being of the same mind, intention and purpose. Some differences accompany disagreements others expose lifestyles that are diametrical. Prune off the diametrical. Seek to find the source of disagreements and humbly resolve them. Sometimes self-denial is needed. Other times assertiveness is needed.

True friends support and complement our life purposes. Choose relationships carefully. Much conflict can be eliminated by careful initial selection.

African American Bethann Hardison helped launch Click Models after the Civil Rights Movement of the 1960s. A time came when it was time for her to leave the nest and build her own. Nurtured by legal and model friends she started Bethann Management. These friends really helped. No attitudes and actions of, "I wish you well, but I'm not going to give you on-going resources to work with." A mother and daughter in the modeling business gave Hardison money for real-life bills like rent, utilities and whatever was necessary. Another legal friend negotiated the office space for Bethann Management and didn't charge her legal fees.

Hardison was called to be a leader in the fashion industry. Her friends may have disagreed from time to time regarding how she lead, but they encouraged her leadership and supported it in profuse, physical ways. Hardison was also wise enough not to keep friends who were opposed to her being a leader.

In a similar way Paul and the Philippian believers were in Christian ministry. They could not have shared as much joy if either one of them did not support each others ministry.

 2) Helping people help themselves also helps ourselves. Friendship flourishes with reciprocity, so does almost everything else. In 1867 Marie Sklodowska was born in Warsaw, Poland. Early in life she showed enthusiasm about education and an extraordinary ability to learn. However, her father could not afford to educate her beyond early childhood. Instead of responding to the obstacle with fear, unbelief and self-limiting practices, Marie took a job as a teacher then later as a governess to fund her advanced educational dreams.

Marie paid for her sister's, Bronislawa's, education with her earnings from her governess job. When Bronislawa completed her studies, Bronislawa paid for Marie to attend university.

Both Bronislawa and Marie became scientists. By 1891 Marie studied at the world-famous Sorbonne in France. She also became the school's first female teacher. Marie married a physics professor in 1895. They devoted their lives to science. In 1903 Marie shared the Nobel Prize in physics with her husband, Pierre Curie, and Henri Becquerel. In 1911 Marie Sklodowska-Curie won a Nobel Prize for chemistry by herself.

Marie is the first person to earn two Nobel Prizes each in sciences. She developed a theory of radioactivity, techniques for isolating radioactive isotopes and discovered the elements polonium and radium.

Like Marie and Bronislawa helped each other to be educated, the Philippian believers and Paul helped each other share God and His Word, the Bible, with others.

3) Celebrate equality with humility. Black people are equal with white people and any other people. Women are equal with men. Galatians 3:28 New Living Translation Bible says, "There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male and female. For you are all one in Christ Jesus."

Revealing equality through humility works better than hate. Jesus Christ never stopped being God and equal with God the Father and God the Holy Ghost even when He experienced violence instead of the respect due royalty. Black American and Christian Marian Anderson kept her wisdom, elegance and humility even when she was rejected from opportunities because of her race. Anderson wrote in My Lord, What a Morning in response to a music school rejecting her admission due to her blackness, " . . . I could not conceive of a person surrounded as she was with the joy that is music without having some sense of its beauty and understanding rub off on her. I did not argue with her or ask to see her superior. It was as if a cold, horrifying hand had been laid on me. I turned and walked out."

Walking out on evil is walking into good. God ensures that good is honored in due season. Jesus Christ was crucified at the instigation of the local religious leaders, but three days later He rose from the dead and shortly after the Christian church was founded as God's means to express goodness on earth.  With donations from a local church, Anderson was able to take singing lessons with coach Giuseppe Boghetti. In 1924 she launched her career by giving her first recital at New York's Town Hall. Later she went on to have a flourishing singing career that broke through racial barriers including a 1939 Easter morning concert in Washington, D.C., to 75,000 present and millions by radio.

4) Be willing and ready to help. "The roots of happiness grow best in the soil of service," says educator and African American Ruth Love.

A husband was addicted to pornography. He confessed his addiction to his wife. He didn't try to blame her for his addiction or to blame his upbringing or someone or something else. He sought ways to overcome it. His wife was hurt by his addiction, but she was willing and ready to help her husband. She listened and talked with him to understand why he likes pornography and why its so hard to leave it. She didn't condemn him by thinking, saying or doing things that communicate, "You're so weak to be wrapped up in this trash." This couple participated in helpful activities like Christian counseling, and over time his pornography addiction was conquered.

5) Caress copiously through cheerfulness. When Paul wrote the book of Philippians he didn't know if his current jail sentence would end in death or release. Paul didn't shower people with self-pity, but rather he talked about and lived out God's wonderful ways of pursuing the best even amidst the bad. Paul probably didn't always feel cheerful, but he expressed an attitude and actions of cheerfulness because this is how God is and what pleases God. In Philippians 2:12 Amplified Bible Paul counsels us to behave, " . . . timidly shrinking from whatever might offend God and discredit the name of God."

That's an incredibly large request for imperfect people to fulfill. The good news is we have a power source living on the inside to help us fulfill it if we tap into Him. Philippians 2:13 Amplified Bible says, "[Not in your own strength] for it is God Who is all the while effectually at work in you [energizing and creating in you the power and desire], both to will and to work for His good pleasure and satisfaction and delight."

6) Cherish people in your real life and release comparisons and excessive thoughts about fantasy people. Not many people look like and have achieved career success like Hollywood and Bollywood celebrities Halle Berry, Angelina Jolie, Denzel Washington, Hrithik Roshan and others. If we spend too much time reading about, looking at and thinking about the stars, then what's on earth may become disappointing and breed envy and other negative qualities.

Our spouses, family and friends have a lot of wonderful qualities. Think a lot about these. Love grows when we nurture it. Conversely when we don't, it dies.

It may take a lot of work to think about the good in our spouse, family or friends, but God put it there! Psalm 139:13-14 New Living Translation Bible says, "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it."

Five years ago you may have sent sexy and funny texts, emails and telephone calls to your spouse, but now it's mostly perfunctory. You used to enjoy the feel of mouth and tongue all over your spouse's body and yours, finding each others multiple moan zones, playing games like, "Does this feel good? How about this?," but now when was the last time you had sex? Try again. Ignite the flame of love that you let die, and keep it burning hot. Marriage is suppose to be filled with merriment.

7) Appreciate people especially spouses, family and friends. Sexual, emotional and other types of infidelity start by the negative way we are thinking about our spouse. Fault-finding is a negative mindset. Fault-finding is a focus on what is wrong with someone. We are betraying a sacred personal trust when we stew on the bad in our spouse instead of meditating on the good. If we have a low opinion of someone, then it is hard to feel good about them and to treat them well.

The Apostle Paul writes about his friend and co-worker, Epaphroditus, in Philippians 2:30 New Living Translation Bible, "For he risked his life for the work of Christ, and he was at the point of death while doing for me what you couldn’t do from far away." Paul thanked Epaphroditus for what he did without any undertone of criticism. A fault-finding person might have wrote about Epaphroditus, "Epaphroditus wasn't too smart in the way he tried to help us. He allowed himself to work so much for other people that he got ill. It's a miracle that we got any help."

A fault-finding person wouldn't make Epaphroditus or others feel good. Instead of inspiring others to choose to be together, to experience joy, the words of a fault-finder are repelling.

Fault-finding spouses, family members and/or friends are setting themselves up to seek appreciation in someone else. We all desire to be appreciated. Some fault-finders are surprised to find themselves sharing intimate thoughts, feelings and desires with the opposite sex that lead into sexual, emotional or other types of infidelity; they failed to associate the source of infidelity in their thinking unappreciative thoughts about their spouse.

The joy of God is in believers. If we don't seem to be experiencing it, then we aren't cultivating it.

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