As raindrops were pouring from a pale, grey sky earlier this week, I was
pouring over the book of Romans chapter 12 for tips to catch and keep
friends. My readings got me to thinking and praying broadly about the
subject.
Welcoming and living in a wide variety of relationships are not optional
for believers. Chantal Sicile-Kira categorizes relationships in her
article, "The Transition To Adulthood: Planning Ahead," for the
magazine, Autism File, that is applicable to all people. She describes four circles of relationships:
1) The Circle of Intimacy includes those with whom we
share our secrets, dreams and values. These are our best friends and are
usually family members, but can and should also include others. We know
and share a lot about what is going on in each others lives, our
thoughts and feelings.We feel safe enough in these relationships to
support each other spiritually and emotionally. Jesus encouraged
intimate relationships beyond biology. Mark 3:33-35 New Living
Translation Bible says, "Jesus replied, “Who is my mother? Who are my
brothers?” Then he looked at those around him and said, “Look, these are
my mother and brothers. Anyone who does God’s will is my brother and
sister and mother.”
2) The Circle of Friendship includes
friends or relatives whom we see for occasional social activities, such
as for a movie or to eat a meal, but who are not our closest friends.
The Bible records that Epaphras and Paul shared some time in jail and
time spreading the Gospel, but not with the intensity and intimacy of
the relationship between Timothy and Paul.
3) The Circle of Participation includes
people who we participate with in our life, such as on the job,
business or ministry, our place of worship, schools, sports teams,
social clubs and other organizations. This circle contains people who
may eventually be in the Circle of Friendship or even the Circle of
Intimacy. We can socialize with members of our church, other churches
and other groups. Luke 9:49-50 New Living Translation Bible says, "John
said to Jesus, “Master, we saw someone using your name to cast out
demons, but we told him to stop because he isn’t in our group.” But
Jesus said, “Don’t stop him! Anyone who is not against you is for you.”"
4) The Circle of Exchange includes people who are paid
to be in our lives, such as medical professionals, teachers,
counselors, governmental officials, sales associates, auto mechanics,
etc. These people can also be cultivated to move into the Circle of
Participation, Circle of Friendship and even the Circle of Intimacy.
Everyone is a potential friend/disciple. Matthew 28:18-20 the Message
Bible says, "Jesus, undeterred, went right ahead and gave his charge:
"God authorized and commanded me to commission you: Go out and train
everyone you meet, far and near, in this way of life, marking them by
baptism in the threefold name: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Then
instruct them in the practice of all I have commanded you. I'll be with
you as you do this, day after day after day, right up to the end of the
age.""
The
circles of exchange and participation are casual relationships. The
circle of friendship are comfortable relationships with people who are
not involved in the intimate details of our lives. The circle of
intimacy contains our confidants.
We can have more than one confidant. While David had Jonathan, Jesus had Peter, James and John.
We can also have multiple same-sex and opposite-sex relationships in the
circles of exchange, participation, friendship and intimacy. Many don't
have a problem with same-sex friends, but some stumble over the idea of
opposite-sex friends especially for married couples. God made the human
race female and male. Living in the Holy-Ghost fruit of self-control we
can have casual, close and appropriate relationships with both the
opposite sex and the same sex. The Apostle Paul had many friendships
with women such as Priscilla, Lydia, and Phoebe to name a few. He also
had friendships with men.
Having only same-sex friends cripples us. God made us male and female
not just for marriage. We learn and are made better people gaining
balance and appreciation of difference being raised by a mother and a
father. Then we branch out from the family into non-familial
relationships where we are designed to continue to grow in balance and
appreciation of difference. The Prophetess and Judge Deborah was
instrumental to developing the courage, confidence and combat skill of
Barak.
Of course some opposite-sex friends are great for dating. First-date conversation should be about God and each other. Yet many people talk too much about former relationships while trying to start a new relationship. "When a woman dwells too long on the topic of her ex-boyfriend, a man feels discouraged. If it was a recent breakup, a man can understand that an ex-boyfriend is on her mind. He will also know that she is not ready for a relationship with him. He will worry that she will always compare him to the ex-boyfriend. He will think, There is no possible way I can compete with this guy. He probably shared some great times with her. When a man feels too discouraged, he loses interest. If she boasts about how handsome or rich or smart her ex is, her date will feel annoyed. She's boasting, she's insecure, he'll think. Don't think that being the object of some other guy's desire will make you more valuable in this man's eyes. He may just see that you are trying desperately to impress him. He'll see your insecurity. When women catalogue their ex-boyfriend's faults, inevitably men think about her shortcomings, not the ex-boyfriend's. When she says, "He cheated on me; I don't know why I stayed with him," he thinks, She's a pushover. When she says, "I didn't really care about him, but I stayed with him out of pity," he thinks, She's a martyr. When a woman picks on her ex-boyfriend, a man will take it as a warning: If I stick around, she'll do that to me someday," says Bradley Gerstman, Esquire, Christopher Pizzo, CPA and Rich Seldes, MD, in their book What Men Want.
Here's some tips plucked primarily from Romans chapter 12 on catching and keeping friends.
1) Accept people without arrogance. Pride refuses to
mature and to forgive saying, "I'm perfect." Humility embraces our
unique God-given design along with personal growth and repentance. We
all make multiple mistakes throughout life.
African American R&B singer Anita Baker sings in her song "I
Apologize," "Lord you should have heard the way he shouted and the way
that I screamed . . . I apologize . . . Because I know I was wrong."
Admitting our wrongs is a sober judgment of ourselves and is loving
ourselves and others. When we do someone wrong trying to gloss over it
doesn't clean up the mess but often causes it to spread.
In admitting our wrongs we are not rejecting who we are. We are trying
to improve. Self-improvement is relationship improvement. God accepts us
and works to change us into the fullest likeness of His good self. God
gives us His strength to consistently admit our wrongs without losing a
positive view of ourselves. Even though believers do some awful things,
God thinks we are awesome. God never loses hope in the victory of good
over evil. The Apostle Paul wrote most of the New Testament even though
before he became an apostle he was a serial killer going around seeking
Christians to put in jail and to have sentenced to death.
2) Extensively, enthusiastically, excellently use the special gifts God has given us to build relationships. I
had a friend who said his gift was encouragement. However, I ended the
relationship because his encouragement was not authentic. We were
communicating by email often twice daily, but he never was willing to
talk by telephone or meet in person. What was he hiding that was
inhibiting him from drawing closer to me? What type of spirit was behind
his behavior? His emails seemed to embrace me in warmth, but they never
led to the intimacy of spontaneous conversation and in-person
engagement. John 6:63 Amplified Bible says, "It is the Spirit Who gives
life [He is the Life-giver]; the flesh conveys no benefit whatever
[there is no profit in it]. The words (truths) that I have been speaking
to you are spirit and life."
3) Cultivate
a diverse number of friends of the same sex, opposite sex, same gifts,
different gifts, multiple races and relationships in all four circles. The
Apostle Paul participated in all types of relationships. Timothy,
Titus, Priscilla, Aquila and Barnabas are some members in Paul's Circle
of Intimacy. The Apostles Peter and James and Lydia are some members in
Paul's Circle of Friendship. Governor Sergius Paulus, Publius, the head
of the island of Malta, and his father are some members in Paul's Circle
of Participation. Acts 28:8 Amplified Bible says, "And it happened that
the father of Publius was sick in bed with recurring attacks of fever
and dysentery; and Paul went to see him, and after praying and laying
his hands on him, he healed him." Governor Felix, Drusilla, the wife of
Governor Felix, King Agrippa, Bernice, the wife of King Agrippa, and
Governor Gallio of Achaia province are some members in Paul's Circle of
Exchange.
Paul had relationships with men and women, Jews, Greeks and people of
other races, believers and nonbelievers. Paul was not a snob, sexist or
racist. Paul welcomed everyone while reserving his circle of intimacy
for believers which is not discrimination but the wisdom of being
closest with people of the same faith and purpose in life. If we try to
have intimacy with enemies, then we risk destroying people. Jesus Christ
says in Mark 3:25 Amplified Bible, "And if a house is divided (split
into factions and rebelling) against itself, that house will not be able
to last." Bishop Derek Grier of Grace Church in Dumfries, Virginia,
said in the mid-morning 1/13/2013 sermon, "The devil comes in the form of
division;" "He comes with strife to destroy unity." Dr. Grier said the
devil wants to destroy unity because unity removes limitations; we can
do so much more together than by ourselves. He also said that unity
amplifies and multiplies.
We like Paul are called to nurture and expand the four circles of
relationships, to have relationships with the same sex, the opposite
sex, different races and to have a diversity of relationships with
people of all types. The Apostle Paul teaches us in 1 Corinthians 11:1
New Living Translation Bible, "And you should imitate me, just as I
imitate Christ."
4) Love people authentically. Love
is friendly, intentional, consistent and Holy-Ghost empowered to commit
through thick and thin times. Romans 12:10 Amplified Bible says, "Love
one another with brotherly affection [as members of one family], giving
precedence and showing honor to one another." Friendliness helps form,
maintain and grow relationships. Neither Christ nor Paul displayed a "Do
not disturb me" attitude toward people. Nor did they confuse Jewish
culture with Biblical revelation. Christ and Paul tried to connect with
the widest possible range of people. 1 Corinthians 9:19-23 the Message
Bible says, "Even though I am free of the demands and expectations of
everyone, I have voluntarily become a servant to any and all in order to
reach a wide range of people: religious, nonreligious, meticulous
moralists, loose-living immoralists; the defeated, the
demoralized--whoever, I didn't take on their way of life. I kept my
bearings in Christ--but I entered their world and tried to experience
things from their point of view. I've become just about every sort of
servant there is in my attempts to lead those I meet into a God-saved
life. I did all this because of the Message. I didn't just want to talk
about it; I wanted to be in on it!"
Sometimes we are not honoring people in our relationships because we are
jealous and/or envious of them. People will admit to some sins, but
jealousy and envy are not the usual ones. Yet they are common ones among
siblings, friends, colleagues and other relationships. Cherish and
celebrate our gifts and the gifts of others without comparison or
covetousness. We are all essential. Romans 12:4-6 the Message Bible
says, "In this way we are like the various parts of a human body. Each
part gets its meaning from the body as a whole, not the other way
around. The body we're talking about is Christ's body of chosen people.
Each of us finds our meaning and function as a part of his body. But as a
chopped-off finger or cut-off toe we wouldn't amount to much, would we?
So since we find ourselves fashioned into all these excellently formed
and marvelously functioning parts in Christ's body, let's just go ahead
and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully
comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we
aren't."
African Americans Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King are long-time best
friends. Both are in communications, but Oprah is single, never married,
mother of a deceased child while Gayle is divorced with two, healthy
children. Oprah was raised in poverty. Gayle spent her elementary school
years in Ankara, Turkey, with vacations in Paris, Rome and Greece and
maid service.
Oprah, the first African-American female billionaire, says she and Gayle, who is a co-anchor of CBS This Morning and an editor-at-large for O, The Oprah Magazine,
have overcome jealousy and envy in their more than 30-year friendship
by being continually supportive of each other and spending copious
amounts of time and attention on their friendship. Oprah bought a
full-time nanny for Gayle to help her with her children, Kirby and Will,
who are less than one year apart in age. Oprah sees money as a tool
that can help others, but if that is all someone wants and expects from
the relationships, then they are not really a friend. Money is a
relationship-building tool. Luke 16:9 Amplified Bible says, "And I tell
you, make friends for yourselves by means of unrighteous mammon
(deceitful riches, money, possessions), so that when it fails, they
[those you have favored] may receive and welcome you into the
everlasting habitations (dwellings)." Gayle says she views Oprah's and
the success of those around her as something that also makes her better.
1 Thessalonians 5:11 New Living Translation Bible says, "So encourage
each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing." We
grow together or tear each other apart together.
Some have a false sense of loyalty avoiding participation in other
Christian ministries or other relationships. While we should give more
time and attention to our marriage and other relationships in our circle
of intimacy than our relationship with our dentist and other
relationships in our circle of exchange, that doesn't excuse us to focus
on our marriage to the exclusion of all other relationships. Showing
authentic love comes with spending time and attention on a variety of
relationships. Jesus was confidants with Peter, James and John.
He also socialized with casual acquaintances like the Samaritan woman
who had five-husbands, a current live-in lover and probably a blended
household of no-telling how many children..
5) Serve God through serving people. Friends
help friends in a wide variety of ways. A story talks about a man taken
out of the earth realm and into a trip of hell and heaven. The angels
showed him a room in hell with a group of hungry people trying to eat
dinner. They never did eat because the spoons they were using were
longer than their arms and no one helped them to overcome the obstacle.
Then the angels showed him a room in heaven. The man was shocked to see a
similar scene of hungry people trying to eat dinner with spoons longer
than their arms. Yet they had happy faces and were enjoying their meal
because they helped each other overcome the obstacle.
It's natural to serve self. It's spiritual to serve self and others.
Routinely examine our behavior asking, "Who does this serve?"
6) Pursue hospitality. Welcome
strangers and friends. Seek to make strangers friends and friends
closer friends. Creativity can cultivate relationships. In the early
1400s the ruler of the East African port city Malinda sent a personal
envoy with a giraffe as a present to the Ming dynasty emperor in China.
The giraffe was a big hit. Maybe you can't make a splash by bringing a
giraffe, but you can put together a backyard barbeque with a special
theme for the families of your children's friends and others, or you can
do something else with simple flair.
God meant for believers to do the spectacular in our individual way.
Jesus Christ says in John 14:12 Amplified Bible, "I assure you, most
solemnly I tell you, if anyone steadfastly believes in Me, he will
himself be able to do the things that I do; and he will do even greater
things than these, because I go to the Father."
People who are one-dimensional and/or refuse to try novel ways make it
difficult for people to stay in relationship with them and to attract
new relationships in the circles of friendship and intimacy.
Some spouses drain the life out of their marriage and other
relationships by allowing themselves to become dull. Meanwhile plenty of
singles and married people excel at exceeding people's expectations.
The immoral ones are waiting to suck in spouses in dull marriages and
dull singles looking for excitement. Proverbs 5:3 Amplified Bible says,
"For the lips of a loose woman drip honey as a honeycomb, and her mouth
is smoother than oil."
Pleasure is not sinful nor is using honey to catch and keep friends.
Motives make a difference in determining the difference between good and
evil. Christian, African American Jazz singer Carla Cook sings in "It's
All About Love," "You can catch more flies with honey." God is
pleasure. Yes, your eyes are not tricking you; you read that right. God
is pleasure. David writes in Psalm 16:11 Amplified Bible, "You will show
me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy, at Your right
hand there are pleasures forevermore."
Some are bubbly with great ideas about how to attract people, but they
rarely follow through. “The vision must be followed by the venture. It
is not enough to stare up the steps - we must step up the stairs,” says
Vance Havner. God is more than a dreamer; He's a doer and likes doers.
If you want to catch and keep relationships, chase people. Hebrews 11:6
Amplified Bible says, "But without faith it is impossible to please and
be satisfactory to Him. For whoever would come near to God must
[necessarily] believe that God exists and that He is the rewarder of
those who earnestly and diligently seek Him [out]."
Sometimes we bomb in our efforts to catch and keep people. Don't worry.
Cooperate with God to learn and to correct the error of our ways.
Proverbs 24:16 Amplified Bible says, "For a righteous man falls seven
times and rises again, but the wicked are overthrown by calamity."
7) Be sensitive to and live in the emotions and actions needed for the situation. Romans 12:15 New Living Translation Bible says, "Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep."
My son, Rafael, has lots of energy and is full of joy. He likes to
bounce on his bed and in the chair he sits on amidst our balcony garden.
Rafael recently got a new mattress because his old one had a crater in
it due to his bouncing on his bed. I would like to preserve his
enthusiasm and our finances, so I put a chair like the one in our garden
in his bedroom and explained that he can bounce on that instead of his
bed.
8) Turn enemies into friends. Abraham Lincoln said, "I do not like that man. I must get to know him better."
Watch out that self doesn't become our enemy. One of the top strategies
of Satan is to manipulate people to get us to turn on our self. Joseph
Cotten tells Ingrid Bergman in the movie Gaslight, "You're not going out of your mind. You're slowly and systematically being driven out of your mind."
Insanity is ineffective thinking. One way Satan tries to manipulate
people is through anger. Feeling anger is not a sin for it can be a
signal of being mistreated. Holding onto anger is where sin enters.
Holding onto anger accompanies losing control of our thoughts and
emotions. When God's goodness doesn't control us, then the evil of sin
does. Sin is a slave master. Peace is power. As believers we have the
mind of God the Son Jesus Christ and can use it to slay Satan by
refusing to stay upset.
Peace is not passive. In the 1900s Mahatma Gandhi was mad that the
British were denying independence to the people of India and
monopolizing many Indian industries. Gandhi developed satyagraha
which is civil disobedience through peaceful pushing for truth. Gandhi's
methods were used by Martin Luther King Jr. to peacefully push civil
rights for Africans Americans and others in the United States. Many who
were enemies to the ideas of Gandhi and King initially were won over by
their peaceful protest.
Please
share your experiences catching and keeping friends by leaving an
on-line comment, tweeting with me via my Twitter.com name
"Michelelove30" and Google's G+. Abraham Lincoln says, "The better part
of one's life consists of his friendships."
