7 Ingredients for Intimate Relationships

Intimacy is hindered absent certain ingredients. Let's look at seven ingredients from Ephesians 5 for fun, fulfilling marriages, families and friendships.

Ingredient #1: Acceptance. Regardless of our imperfections the best marriages, families and friendships contain people who accept each other while encouraging each other to grow. Ephesians 5:1 Amplified Bible says, "Therefore be imitators of God [copy Him and follow His example], as well-beloved children [imitate their father]."

Sometimes we fail to accept people the way they are. A mother told a daughter with stubby fingers and little sense of rhythm, "I have such lovely, long fingers and play the piano like a virtuoso. Why don't you practice the piano more?"

Lynn Toler, author of Making Marriage Work New Rules For An Old Institution, writes, "Pretend you have two dogs, one named Displeasure and the other Joy. They both live in your house, and you and your spouse are in charge of feeding them. Displeasure, bitch that she is, barks a lot. She is easily annoyed, and she snarls and growls and carries on the moment something does not go her way. If her food is late, she starts up. If she doesn't get to go outside when she wants, the yapping begins. You have to throw her a bone to get her to stop. Displeasure gets fed a lot. Joy, on the other hand, is a quiet and content canine. Loves to be petted, but doesn't cause you any trouble if you don't. She will sit quietly in the corner and await the attention she deserves, but she does not howl when it doesn't come her way. She often gets ignored. Here's the thing: you have to make a conscious effort to feed the quiet dog. Acknowledge all kindnesses. Thank your spouse for the everyday things that could easily go ignored. Whoever is paying the bills should feel like the other respects the effort involved. Whoever is cooking and cleaning deserves to know their daily grind is valued. If you appreciated something your spouse said or did, let her know. If he did something that anyone on the street would be impressed with, don't let the fact that you have seen him do it before keep you from mentioning it again."

Ingredient #2: Security. While some friendships may need to be pruned off our life because they are sucking nutrients out of us and/or our family, secure people are committed to relationships even through problems.

God doesn't give up on us because we have problems. He gives us enthusiastic, extravagant, enlightened love. Since He is our model, as believers the more we do likewise the better our relationships will be with God, self and others.

Ingredient #3: Choice. We don't have to be married, parents or friends. We choose these relationships. These are not one-time choices. In good relationships we are choosing our spouse, children and friends over and over again. We hunger to be desired continuously. If we aren't enjoying our spouse, family or friends, then it sucks out some of their enjoyment.

Everyone is an individual. Learn each others likes and dislikes. We want to be liked for who we really are. Ephesians 5:10 New Living Translation Bible says, "Carefully determine what pleases the Lord."

God is for people. He wants us to experience pleasure in His presence and the presence of His people.

One of the key ways we receive pleasure is through edifying conversation. Learn to say things that bring out the best in people. For married people a saying goes, "99 percent of sex happens between the ears." What goes into the ears connects to the mind. Latina-American actress Raquel Welch says, "The mind can also be an erogenous zone." Woo him or her with the most effective, encompassing words rooted in the Word. John 1:1-3 Amplified Bible says, "In the beginning [before all time] was the Word (Christ), and the Word was with God, and the Word was God Himself. He was present originally with God. All things were made and come into existence through Him; and without Him was not even one thing made that has come into being. In Him was Life, and the Life was the Light of men."

God is the Creator of sexuality and sex. Learn more and more about God, and you will learn more and more about how to be a sexy single or sexy married person. God knows all the sexual positions, and many that you don't know about! God invented all the sexual positions. God thinks marital sex and Biblical single sexuality are sublime, not shameful and sinful.

Ingredient #4: Support. Friends and family members are individuals; we are not the same people. We have some interests in common and some that are different, but good people support each other's individuality. They also protect their life and relationships by on purpose preparing lots of time to listen and to understand those we share a relationship with and to maintain and foster unity.

The Bible is a book of balance. Individuality and unity go together. If they are working against each other, sin is present. Talk to God, and cooperate with Him to transform whatever is not like God.

Ingredient #5: Thankfulness. Thankfulness is expressed in attitudes and actions that communicate, "I'm not perfect. You are not perfect, but I am thankful we are together. I am thankful for the memories, the present and the future."

Big-picture thinking doesn't dismiss the petty arguments and small inconveniences, but also does not become absorbed in them. Big-picture thinking focuses on the overall benefits in good relationships.

We can have seasons were Satan seeks to wear us out with discouraging circumstances and/or relationships. God is using these same circumstances and/or relationships to allow His fruit of the Spirit on the inside to be plucked for food on the outside.

"When it comes to food for thought, some of us are on a hunger strike," says activist Dick Gregory. We are thinking, talking and acting out negative attitudes and actions like, "I'm tired. You're getting on my nerves. I'm going to put you out of the house," for situations and circumstances God isn't finished with. God can enter a relationship with anyone, no matter how bad they seem to be; the Apostle Paul started out as Saul going around throwing Christians in jail and trying to have them sentenced to death. But then God showed up in Saul's life and showed him what true living really is.

We may be reading our Bibles, put not practically applying the Word in some areas. Our physical body is part of the temple of God. It too has to be nourished. Some of us do inadequate or no physical exercise and/or improper eating depriving us of sources of stamina that support our spiritual and mental health. Jesus not only prayed and cultivated His Christ mind, He also walked, ate and slept. Why do some think it's okay to abuse they physical body?

Much of life is interconnected. We have to also pay attention and nurture our relationship with God, self and others on many levels. Satan is looking to slip into our life where we are sluggish and slay someone and/or something. 1 Peter 5:8-9 Amplified Bible says, "Be well balanced (temperate, sober of mind), be vigilant and cautious at all times; for that enemy of yours, the devil, roams around like a lion roaring [in fierce hunger], seeking someone to seize upon and devour. Withstand him; be firm in faith [against his onset—rooted, established, strong, immovable, and determined], knowing that the same (identical) sufferings are appointed to your brotherhood (the whole body of Christians) throughout the world."

Ingredient #6: Wisdom. Good decisions come from a good heart. Daniel Hale Williams was the first African-American cardiologist, and the first to perform successful open-heart surgery in the United States. We will need to leave our hearts open for God to perform surgery on them slicing out our numerous sins.

Sin isn't sexy. Sin acts as a spoiler in our relationships.

Not many of us would want others to be able to see all of our thoughts! However, God can, and He sees how these thoughts help and hurt people. We are responsible to be wise enough to continually seek spiritual, emotional, intellectual and physical growth through cooperating with God the Father, God the Son Jesus Christ and God the Holy Ghost to develop more of the God inside. The more God controls the inside, the more our outward behavior will bring out the best in people.

Perhaps you had a child in your 40s or 50s that wasn't exactly planned and have not cooperated with God to have the disappointment, resentment, anger, jealousy and other hostility in your heart removed, so now it seeps out on your child and others. Many have lived in relationships filled with the agony of indifference or hatred.

Ingredient #7: Clarity and Compatibility. By reserving our most close relationships for those who have the same faith and purpose in life, we are building ourselves up instead of working against each other. Ideas have consequences. Christians believe in hope, life and the multifaceted goodness of our God that is primarily expressed through His people. Not everyone believes the same. Chandragupta Maurya, the first emperor of India, with a kingdom stretching from Punjab to Karnataka, more than 300 years after Alexander the Great had died, chose his own death as a devout Jain who starved himself to death on a hilltop at Sravanabelgola.

Being equally yoked with spouses, family and friends is not simply sharing the same Christian faith. "Yoked" is a farming reference. When a farmer would plow a field, he or she would use a yoke to join two animals. The farmer paired two animals of equal strength to work together to produce a straight line in the field.

Before marriage a wise couple talks about the nature of our relationship with God, self, family and friends, the desired frequency of sex, the acceptable behaviors with opposite-sex friends and same-sex friends, the purpose and use of money, the number of children, the lifestyle and as many things as possible. The more agreement and equal strength before marriage the less potential relationship conflict after marriage. While we all change, we all also have a certain character and personality that may remain remarkably consistent throughout adulthood. A couple where the wife desires sex seven days a week, but the husband desires sex once a month probably should have never said, "I do."

Sex is a central part of the oneness in marriage. Genesis 2:24-25 New Living Translation Bible says, "This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame."

Sexual incompatibility is a serious issue. A wife who keeps asking her husband for sex and habitually receives, "I'm not in the mood," or some other rejection will likely begin to receive messages of shame and low self-worth while the husband may feel personally attacked, unappreciated and even exploited.

Sexual abuse is also something we should share with our partner by the time we are engaged. Bollywood actress Sofia Hayat was sexually abused by her uncle when she was 10 years old. Minister Noel Jones was molested by a man in a Christian church bathroom when he was in elementary school. Rape, date rape, molestation, incest and various types of sexual abuse are experienced by people of all ages, races, genders and religions and often have a profound impact on our behavior and may require Christian pastoral and/or psychological counseling to overcome. Don't be surprised if you were abused sexually as a child and/or adolescent that the abuse has a negative impact on your marriage. International Bible teacher Joyce Meyer was raped by her father repeatedly throughout her childhood and adolescence. She says the experience played a role in her low-self esteem and choosing a first marriage partner who abused her in various ways, and even when she married her current husband, Dave Meyer, of more than 45 years, a time existed where she had problems with sexual relations. She says for he longest time she could not have sex with Dave with the lights on.

Twenty-five percent of all females will be sexually abused by the time they reach adulthood. These women may or may not have a conscious aversion to sex that needs to be overcome for the success of their marriage.

Also some women who are sexually active before marriage discover that they have physical problems having sex. The American Psychiatric Association divides female sexual problems into four categories:

(1) Sexual Desire Disorder,

(2) Sexual Arousal Disorder,

(3) Orgasmic Disorder and

(4) Sexual Pain Disorder.

Sexual Desire Disorder is when a person habitually loses all interest in sex and may even develop an aversion to sex. Sexual Arousal Disorder is when a woman mentally desires sex, but her physical body fails to maintain a state of arousal. She becomes dry and/or unresponsive to sexual stimulation. Most women do not have an orgasm every time they have sex, but Orgasmic Disorder is when a woman desires an orgasm, but habitually she cannot reach sexual climax. Sexual Pain Disorder is when a woman experiences chronic vaginal pain during intercourse.

Reading the seven ingredients you may have noticed some things you are doing that don't bring out the best in people. Now is a good time to talk to God and to begin the process of incorporating the seven above ingredients of intimacy from Ephesians 5 into your life. Please leave an on-line comment sharing how God has helped you to learn to be intimate and have intimacy.