Withholding Sex

". . . When Elkanah slept with Hannah, the Lord remembered her plea" -- 1 Samuel 1:19 New Living Translation Bible

God doesn't correct every bad behavior in our earthly life. When Elkanah was having sex with his wife, Hannah, he was also having sex with his wife, Peninnah. Elkanah was in adultery because he was having sex with two women instead of one. God doesn't even say a word about adultery to Elkanah, Hannah or Peninnah that's recorded in the Bible.

Why? While God shares a lot of His thinking with us, He doesn't always in this earthly life tell us why He chooses to do things in a certain way.

Could anything be worse than one's husband having regular sex with another woman or man? It seems logical for a wife to withhold sex in this situation, but what is logical to human beings is not always logical or morally correct according to God. Withholding sex without God inspiring both husband and wife to do so is sin.

While Peninnah torments Hannah for not conceiving children, the Bible does not record Hannah, Peninnah and Elkannah trying to stop or control each others sexuality. They leave that up to God.

Stop using sex as a bargaining piece to obtain something. If you are married, except for illness that makes sex impossible or for brief periods of abstaining from sex for spiritual reasons, having regular sex inside of marriage is nonnegotiable. God created sex for bonding between husband and wife. Genesis 2:24-25 Amplified Bible says, "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall become united and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not embarrassed or ashamed in each other's presence." Dr. Iris Delgado of Crowned with Purpose ministry has been married for more than 40 years, is a grandmother and says, "When I say, mother's be vigilant, I mean just that. . . . Do not enable your husband to be tempted by your negligence at home, especially if weeks and months go by and there's no sex life between you."

Following the Bible way of frequent sex between a husband and a wife is a part of a happy, healthy, holy marriage. Biblical sex is holy, high praise and worship of God. Sex also releases chemicals that cause ecstasy. Being in the presence of God is ecstasy. The Joy of the Lord is our stength. Studies show that men who have sex five times weekly reduce their chance of prostate cancer. 

Is there a link between sexless marriage, shame and cancer? Proverbs 12:4 Amplified Bible says, "A virtuous and worthy wife [earnest and strong in character] is a crowning joy to her husband, but she who makes him ashamed is as rottenness in his bones." Proverbs 12:4 The Message says, "A hearty wife invigorates her husband, but a frigid woman is cancer in the bones."

Sex is sacred and secular. Secure and happy spouses give and receive 100 percent of oneself to the other one spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, physically, sexually and financially. Since God lives inside of Christians when husband and wife are having sex, they are also sharing God the Father, God the Son Jesus Christ and God the Holy Spirit with each other as they are through other, multiple ways and words daily.

God inside of us was meant to be shared. A lack of emotional nakedness or any other type of nakedness between spouses causes shame.

Sin and shame go together because God designed us to do good. When we do wrong we are designed to experience shame. One spouse may falsely believe that he or she is holy by withholding sex that the other spouse desires to give and receive. "You must come to see that it is possible for a man to be self-centered in his self-denial and self-righteous in his self-sacrifice. He may be generous in order to feed his ego and pious in order to feed his pride. Man has the tragic capacity to relegate a heightening virtue to a tragic vice. Without love benevolence becomes egotism, and martyrdom becomes spiritual pride," says Martin Luther King, Jr.

Because Biblical love and sex are united when husband and wife have sex neither should be doing things to make someone feel less than a human being. Ecstatic, enthusiatic, expressive, excellent lovemaking between husband and wife is a part of the enjoyable, abundant life Jesus Christ died and rose from the dead in three days to give us. Satan doesn't want us to have fun and fulfillment in sex because he wants us to do things that are fatal to happiness. Happiness is from God. Harm is from Satan.

A spouse who chooses to withhold sex without the consent of the other spouse is cooperating with Satan to bring destruction and death into his or her marriage.

For example, say a wife is angry and hurt by the behavior of her husband and chooses to withhold sex until the husband meets her demands to stop, start and/or modify certain behaviors, and her husband does not agree to stop, start and/or modify certain behaviors. Her husband could respond by masterbating excessively and become addicted to excessive masterbation and even pornography. Pornography is a $57 billion-a-year, global industry worth more than major league football, baseball and basketball combined. Pornography continuously seeks out new customers. If pornography doesn't gain a foothold in his life, the husband may respond to his spouse who refuses to have sex as a form of punishment with some other bad behavior like excessive involvement in employment, church, friendships or something else. Even good things can be bad when they are out of balance or out of timing.

It is difficult but not impossible to choose Jesus' narrow way in conflicts. Sometimes someone says or does something that seems wrong, but it is not. My son, Rafael Damani Fowler, has autism. When he uses the toilet to defecate, he squats on the toilet. I never stopped him or insisted that he use the toilet the Western way of sitting on it to defecate because I am so happy that he uses the toilet. A lack of toilet use exists among some persons with autism. I always thought that he did this because he was intellectually disabled. However, his toilet technique is not an intellectual disability but an intellectual ability. The natural and instinctive way to use the toilet is to squat! Africa, Asia and many places use squat toilets. By squatting the capacity of our abodmens are reduced making it easier to expel poop. Rafael has a flat stomach and often horse-sized bowel movements.

Presume competence with all people to help with trying to understand another person's perspective and to resolve conflicts. Someone else's perspective may actually be better than ours, and if not, the other person, will feel comfortable with us and more open to change because we are treating him or her as intelligent and worth respecting and loving. Aim to please people in a godly way; one result is that they may want to please you. Humilated people or people hurt in some other way are more likely to be a hinderance to and even hurt back the person who hurt them.

When having conflict because one feels evil is being done against him or her, the proper response is Romans 12:21 New Living Translation Bible which says, "Don't let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good."

If someone is doing bad, we are not to do bad also. Come up higher and keep on doing increasing goodness. Your goodness in the midst of someone's badness is a witness for Christ. Jesus Christ says in John 13:34-35 New Living Translation Bible, "So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples."

Goodness is also a witness to our spouses and other people.

Sexless, married couples prove to the world that they are servants of Satan or at the very least strongly under his influence.

Instead of expressing frustration about not getting "my way" through engaging in fights, arguments, punitive behavior, calling people bad names, belittling comments, degrading actions, etc., when someone believes something false, present the Truth. Then let go and let God reveal the Truth. We can't change people. That's God's job.

It takes 30 days to form a new habit. So if will probably take 30 days or longer to see the works of the Truth in a life particularly if a long history of bad behavior exists. "Honesty impels me to admit that such a stand will require willingness to suffer and sacrifice. So don't despair if you are condemned and persecuted for righteousness' sake. Whenever you take a stand for truth and justice, you are liable to scorn," says Martin Luther King, Jr. 

Nevertheless, the beauty of love and sex will shine.

Sexuality is a foretaste of  God in heaven.